


When Did Your Heart Go Missing?

by ThePinkEgoBox



Category: Muse (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Established Relationship, F/M, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Relationship Issues, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-18
Updated: 2011-01-18
Packaged: 2018-06-08 14:57:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6859678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThePinkEgoBox/pseuds/ThePinkEgoBox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One last reflection at the end of the day. </p><p> </p><p>Note: I wrote this during major relationship issues and depression, big time trigger for depression and suicide.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Did Your Heart Go Missing?

You've always held my heart. From nearly the first day we met it was yours. And for a very long time, I held yours. I knew it, you knew it. We were happy. Maybe the whole world didn't know it, but it was plain to see for me. You wrote about it with such eloquence at times,sang about it. Millions of voices join in with that singing. 

To me, that was heaven. The most amazing declaration of love one could ever receive. 

Until one day, I lost your heart.

I don't know when it went missing, you must have stolen it back during the night. It started out slowly. 

First, you stopped holding me at night, keeping me safe. I didn't think anything of it when it happened, I just rolled over in our shared bed and held you close to me. If you weren't holding me, I would hold you instead.

Next, you stopped kissing me with as much feeling. Perfunctory kisses on the lips, barely caught in passing. A quick peck to the cheek, like strangers. I responded by holding you closer when we kissed, snuggling tighter.

I started feeling left out more and more. It's hard to explain really, when you are surrounded by people, included in the activities and fun, joining in with the conversation and yet part of me felt like I wasn't even there. Prop me up with strings and make my mouth move, there would have been more life in me. 

Inside I was screaming. No one could hear me. You used to be able to tell in an instant when I felt like that, those dangerous moments after my father's..

You'd always be the one to hold me, keep the pain away and soothe the ache in my heart.

Not this time though.

This time you had her. She had your heart before I even realized you'd taken it back from me. I was holding an empty shell, something that looked like your heart but turned out to just be ash. Just like the bitter taste in my mouth.

We made love barely a few times after her. After she appeared. I thought our love was stronger than it. 

But that last time.. I could taste that ash, like too many cigarettes smoked. 

You weren't here anymore. And my heart was still in your keeping.

I couldn't steal it back from you if I tried. 

I won't blame her. I won't blame you. I love you far too much to hold this against you. Those words you wrote so long ago now still echo in my head. You wrote them about me once you said, but I'd always found them so fitting for you as well. Perhaps it was just because I was so in love with you. Still am really.

Everything about you is so easy to love.

They say that the tighter you try to hold on to something, the more likely it is to break. I worried that I was breaking you.

What I failed to see in time was the cracks that appeared in me instead. It wasn't until it was too late, that dark stain upon my soul and upon the bathroom tile, darker than I expected, did I realize that it was me that was broken from the beginning.

I have just enough left in me to let you know, it's not your fault Matthew. I just wasn't strong enough anymore. Your name is on my lips with my last breath. 

I love you.

**Author's Note:**

> At the time I wrote this, I had a few months worth of MAJOR relationship issues under my belt and it was not helping already established depression issues and previous suicide attempts. Insomnia is not helpful either. So, if you ever feel like this, seek help, even if you aren't calling, try a text line. Text 'Go' to 741-741.


End file.
